Wednesday, March 13, 2019

David Alpaugh, Eat My Shorts


Eat My Shorts
(and other minimal is mmmms)




EATING CHICKEN FOR THE FIRST TIME

You’re gonna love it!
G’wan! Take a bite...

Mmmmm. You’re so right.
Tastes like... rattlesnake!

EAT MY SHORTS (PERFECT PAIRINGS)
     
Hot Pants
An ice cold bottle of beer, preferably Pauli Girl

Kilts
Lagavuolin (Cutty Sark if you’re the stereotypical cheapskate)

Toreador Shorts
Jose Cuervo (neat)

Cargo Shorts
Rolling Rock Beer

Speedos
Bourbon & Water
       
Givenchy Ticker Tracks for Men
Cambridge Distillery Watenshi Martini (with a whiff of vermouth)
         
Bikinis
A sip or two of Frangelico

Note: There are so many kinds of shorts—we cannot possibly cover all
of them here. email a jpeg of your butt-ware, and we will get back to you
within 30 days so you can sip “beverage divine” with your gourmet meal.


TRUE STORY

the
reality
of
fiction
is
all
in
your
mind

LIZ GIVES ROBERT THE SKINNY

                                                   How do I love thee?
                                                   I’m no good at math—
                                                   But I have a sexy black negligée
                                                   And I just took a bubble bath!

                                                                 AN OLD CLICHÉ”
                                                                                    is
                                                                                     a
                                                                               cliché

ON THE ART OF ESCAPING THE PAPARAZZI

                               Is a sixth sense for detecting binoculars
                               Embedded in their DNA?
                               The moment we raise Wingspans or Bushnells to our eyes
                                  They fly away.

TO BE PUBLISHED ONLY IF HE KICKS
THE BUCKETBEFORE HIS MUMMY….

                                 The Prince so wanted to be King.
                                 The Queen so wanted not to Die.
                                 Dame Fortune stung a double sting.
                                 Neither got what they wanted (sigh).


—David Alpaugh

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